Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Becoming a Mommy

For my son's birthday last fall, I wrote the following note regarding my transformation fromWife to Mother.

To say that I did not want to have children is an understatement.
I NEVER pictured my life with them. Sitting at a wedding a few weeks before my own, I leaned over during the vows and told Eric, “Don’t you mention anything about kids at our wedding, ‘cause we ain’t having any!” I even researched the surgery procedure, but it was too expensive and impossible to find a Doctor to perform it on a 21-year-old virgin.

When the Pastors showed resistance to marrying us if I was serious, I said that I would eventually have to have children if Eric wanted them, but in my heart, I had no intention of fulfilling that promise.

Why not?

Mostly selfish and partly valid, I had a long list of reasons:

  • I was a Kindergarten teacher and had been involved with children all my life. I believed dealing with children was my calling, not my life. I loved children; I just didn’t want to bring any of them home.

  • Why would anyone in their right mind complicate their lives with children?
  • They take all your money and your freedom.
  • You have to hire a sitter every time you want to do something.
  • They are a life-long responsibility.

  • You have to do everything for them.

  • How could I bring more children into this world when there are so many here already that are not being cared for?

  • What if I bring children to this world and they walk away from faith and values only to lose their souls? I would never forgive myself.
I’ll never forget the drive up to St. Augustine for our 2nd anniversary. Eric briefly brought it up and I told him to try again in three years. “When we’ve been married for five years, we can talk about possibly having children in the next ten years,” I said sarcastically. I intended to keep stalling until it went away. My wise husband just bit his tongue as I berated the idea. Yet, that very weekend, God took over my 5-year plan.

When I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later, my world collapsed. I thought God was playing a sick joke on me. I was angry with God and livid with my husband. Horrible shameful thoughts tormented me every single day. At the same time, I knew I was stuck and I needed to figure out how to make the best out of it.

We refrained from telling people because I felt bad that others were excited for us. “Didn’t they know my life just got ruine
d?” I was a wreck! Our finances were a mess and I did not want to give up my career, which was going pretty good.

Then one morning, I woke up spotting. All of a sudden something within me was awakened and I wanted that baby more than anything in the world. I cried out to God, “I was just kidding! Please don’t take my baby!” Of course, His plan was not to take him.

The next few months were the most life-changing of all. Eric and I worked hard to get our finances in order and to prepare as best we could. I bid farewell to my career and embraced my new ‘normal.’

On November 22, 2007, Joakim was born. The doctor sat me up, had me pull him out and placed him in my arms. What an incredible bond we had! The sweetest, most amazing baby ever. When I saw his face, I was filled with peace. I knew we were going to be ok.

It’s been quite the journey since then. Every day is not perfect; but every day I am equipped to handle whatever comes my way. I love my life as a mommy and can’t imagine it any other way. I realize now that I was afraid and insecure because I did not trust God. Once God called me out of the boat, I had no choice but to trust Him and walk on the water or I would have surely drowned.

Today, nothing makes me more excited than the thought of
my children yet to be born. I get giddy just thinking of the gifts God is preparing to give to the world through me. I look at my family and know without a doubt that being a mommy to many was one of God’s callings for my life.

I am certain of it when I see my Dad snuggled up with little Zia during worship Sunday mornings.
I am certain of it when I hear Joa scream “Daddy’s home!” every afternoon.
I am certain of it when I laugh until I cry during family tickle fights.

So, on his 2nd birthday I’d like to thank my Joakim for making me a Mommy. You truly have been my greatest teacher. You have taught me mo
re about God in these last two years than I knew my entire life. I am so thankful that God interrupted my 5-year plan and surprised me with you.
I love you!
Today, as I celebrate my daughter's first birthday, I am equally grateful for her role in my life. My life is complete in Christ Jesus, but these little gifts he's given me are what causes me to overflow with joy.

I'd love to hear about your transformation into motherhood. Please share!

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